Housework 101

To my children:

As you stood at the sink last night, I am sure a question was in your mind.  "I wonder," you were thinking, "whether this mango pit which mom's new extremely sharp knives cannot cut through can go down the disposal?"

The answer to your question, dear children, is no.  No, the extremely fibrous and inedible wad of mango CANNOT go down the disposal, nor can the tough-as-leather peel.  Thank you so much, my children, for giving me the opportunity to be sprayed by disposal water at 8:30 in the morning.  Thank goodness I hadn't showered yet.  

I think it is high time that I take a minute to address your other burning but as-yet-unasked housekeeping questions, such as "What does bleach do?"  (it removes color and disinfects things) "What is the difference between that spray bleach you gave me to clean out my shower and the bleach we put in the washer?" (there is no difference) and "Do you think it would be a good idea to use this blue towel right here to scrub out my shower with that spray bleach?"  (NO)

So, here we go.  Let's get down to business so I can safely leave you to do the housework so I can do more important things like binge-watching House of Cards on Netflix.  

Housekeeping area #1:  Laundry.

So, kids, the goal here is to have everything come out of the washer the same color as when it went in the washer, minus the stains.  That means you have to separate the colors.  I know this is difficult to understand, but when you put your brand new but clearly cheap hot pink sports bra in the wash along with all of your light clothes, there is a high likelihood that all of the rest of the clothes in that load will come out looking like Rainbow Brite threw up all over them.  That is why Mom has placed handy containers in the laundry room that say "WHITE CLOTHES" and "COLORED CLOTHES" on them.  You know, those containers you dump your laundry in front of but never actually use.  

We'll come back to the use of handy containers in a minute, but first we will move on to Housekeeping Area #2:  Cleaning your bathroom.

You know when you go into your shower and it looks like a sasquatch has been living in there for several months because the tub is covered in hair and there is a funny looking ring around the sides of the tub?  That's when you know you need to clean your shower.  Preferably it wouldn't get quite that bad, but I know that things can catch up to you.  That ring is caused by all of the hair and body products you use while in the shower.  The mega-corporations which produce all of the hair and home cleaning products which we use create specific formulas which are designed to cling to the side of the tub in such a way so as to make it impossible to remove without dynamite or "Scrubbing Bubbles" which is a much cheaper and less damaging solution.  Oh, sure, there are all sorts of home bloggers who have claimed to come up with much better cleaning solutions using materials which are found in the average kitchen, but they have never encountered that shower ring there in your bathroom.  That shower ring would laugh at any sort of baking powder/salt/vinegar mixture I could come up with.  That shower ring would probably use the mixture to bake bread once it killed us all and took over the house.  

What you need to do is to grab a RAG (not your nice bath towels, even though the rags are not located in your bathroom and therefore are not quite as handy) and spray some bath cleaner (with bleach!) in the general direction of the shower.  Don't get too close, the ring might get you.  Let it soak there for a while.  Trust me, it's not coming off easy.  You might even want to use one of those kitchen scrub pads.  Oh, and while you are at it, it might not be a bad idea to clean your toilet.  Have you looked in there lately?  

You will know when your bathroom is clean by the fresh bleachy smell and when it has a lack of resemblance to that part of The Cat in the Hat Comes Back when the entire world is covered in red Cat Tub Ring and the Cat has to summon his hat minions to clean it up.  

We will now move on to Housekeeping Area #3:  Doing the dishes.

If you have ever asked yourself the question, "I wonder if I have to put the dishes in the dishwasher facing DOWN so they don't collect water when the washer runs," the answer to that question is YES.  There is nothing I like more than to have to hand-wash all of the dishes that I remove from the dishwasher, but in the interest of preserving water and my sanity, I would appreciate it if you would make sure that all of the glasses and bowls are in the downward position.  I am sure you have also asked yourself, "I wonder if mom would like us to do all of the dishes, including the pots and pans, or if I should just do these plates which are within arms reach and leave everything else for later?"  The answer, my dear children, to that question is YES. Mom would LOVE for you to do ALL of the dishes, including the pots.  Mom would also weep tears of joy if you actually put all of the clean dishes where they are supposed to go, instead of finding new and creative storage areas for them, such as the floor of the pantry.  If one of you WIPED THE COUNTERS AND PUT THE FOOD AWAY  Mom would probably buy you a vehicle.  

The final area of housekeeping is Housekeeping Area #4:  Recycling.

We are now going to revisit the subject of using handy containers.  When we moved into our house, I went out and purchased three recycling bins.  You walk by them every day.  They are black, they are in the laundry room, and they are empty, buried behind all of the various cans, bottles, jars, cardboard and plastic containers which are to be recycled every Monday morning promptly at nine.  Let's talk about those bins, shall we?  You know when I say every Sunday night, "Hey, Luke, it's time for you to do the recycling."  and you moan and groan and say "but mom, it's going to take forever!" and I say, "Well, if you would just sort everything out into the correct bin during the week it would take no time at all!" and you look at me like I am speaking Greek?  Well, next time I say, "here's a can for the recycling" you should perhaps place it in the bin, instead of placing it carefully on the floor in FRONT of the bin.  It's literally one inch further.  Likewise, when I ask you to take the returnable bottles into the laundry room and put them in the bottle receptacle, it would save you loads of time if you simply PUT THEM IN THE RECEPTACLE instead of placing them elsewhere, including on top of the dryer, which is across the room from the receptacle and which will cause you to moan and groan some more when I tell you to go in and move them.  

So, there you go.  This is by no means an exhaustive list.  We have not, for example, touched on the fine art of knowing when to empty the vacuum (preferably before it is totally full with dog hair or once a day, whichever comes first) because we would first have to establish where the vacuum is located and how to operate it, which will most likely take several hours.  But, if you are interested in not scaring away a potential mate someday, it wouldn't hurt to develop skills in the other areas above. 

Love,

Mom