The Dentist

Ella was extremely disappointed on Wednesday that I was unable to accompany her to a field trip called "The Body Walk."   I have never been on this particular field trip, which is rumored by many children to contain actual body parts, and where you learn about the human body by walking through a giant maze that is supposed to be a digestive system.  Apparently, the rumors are true.  I found out by questioning Ella and her two best friends when they got back from the field trip.  They were very excited.  "There were lungs!  And a heart!  Did you know you have 23 feet of intestines???"  Eventually, you go down a slide to exit through what Ella described as "giant butt cheeks."  Now, I am not opposed to being pooped out of a giant slide, but I had a dentist appointment to attend.

I recently returned to the dentist after several years of having better things to do.  About six months ago my husband procured dental insurance, so I went in with my entire family and we proceeded to get x-rays and cleanings and examinations.  Fortunately, many years of avoiding the dentist didn't have any negative effects on my teeth, with the exception of having to endure thirty minutes of scraping with extremely sharp metal objects.

I was scheduled for a follow-up cleaning on Wednesday and so I showed up to my appointment fully prepared to endure 30 more minutes of scraping.  But first, it was "let's poke your gums until they bleed" time.  I learned quickly that you should not flinch, jump or make any movements whatsoever, because if you at any time indicate that the poking causes you discomfort, it brings on yet more poking to determine whether you have gum disease.  Apparently, if you have "sensitivity" you may have gum disease.  I challenge anyone to be poked in the gums with sharp objects and not have "sensitivity" but I am not a trained dental professional so what do I know.

My dental hygienist was a very nice woman who was very concerned about my gum health.  While poking my gums she inquired about my flossing habits:

"How many times a week do you floss?"
I immediately lied to her.  "Three times a week,"  I said, because it was a better answer than the truth, which is "at least once a year or when I get beef jerky stuck in my teeth."  I knew the truth would bring on continued poking and I was finding it difficult not to jerk around because I was already experiencing "sensitivity".
"Hmmmm....you know, you really should floss every day."  She continued poking, and when satisfied that she had at that point poked the requisite number of holes in my gums, she said, "Well, looks like you are good at three times a week!  Just keep doing what you are doing."

Take that, American Dental Association!!

We then reached the portion of the appointment wherein the hygienist asks you a question just as she places a cleaning tool, a suction hose and both of her hands in your mouth.

"Do you  have any kids?"

"FREEEE"

"What ages?"

"Ihteen, el le-ehn an nin"

She clearly could understand me because she kept asking questions, and when the cleaning was over I felt as if we had a lovely conversation and would be lifelong friends.  At least until my next appointment, when she starts poking my gums again.  I never encountered the actual dentist during this appointment.  That's next time, when I am due for another examination and more x-rays because they need photographic evidence that all of my teeth are still in there.  And I am going to try really hard to floss more, at least three times a week, so that I will no longer be lying to the nice lady who cares about my gum health.