A clean, close shave

The kids and I just spent a long weekend up in Portland visiting my parents and participating in several summer fun activities, including taking a four mile walk while sampling food at the farmer’s market, and spending a day at the Oregon Zoo.  We had a wonderful time, and it was nice to be in the warm summer sun for a few days.  We don’t get warm summer sun here in Coos Bay, because the wind never stops blowing long enough to let the temperature rise above 62 degrees.  Of course, warm weather means that my usual summer wardrobe of a cardigan sweater and rolled-up jeans which only expose three inches of leg is not ideal.  Which, naturally, leads me to the topic of the Gillette corporation.

In my usual fashion, when I packed for my trip to Portland I forgot several items, such as my glasses, pajamas, contact solution, clothing, and my trusty Gillette Venus Embrace razor, with its seven layers of moisturizers, five blades, blade guards and non-slip ergonomic handle, which guarantee that even a klutz like me can shave my legs without severing an artery.  I was planning on wearing shorts to the zoo so that the backs of my legs might actually get some sun (right now I look like someone sprayed the fronts of my legs with self tanner and then, before they got to the backside, had a very important phone call to take and never returned with the airbrush).  So, in preparation for my day I searched my parent’s home for a razor that I could use. 

I found a brand-new Gillette disposable single-blade model in the bathroom drawer.  “How bad could it be?”  I thought.  “I’ve been shaving my legs for almost 30 years now.   Five blades is over-kill.  I don’t need those moisturizers.  I just need to use some lather and I’ll be good to go.”

After my shower I attempted to exit the tub but I was dizzy from the blood loss.   It looked like the scene from Psycho where Janet Leigh bleeds to death in the bottom of the tub.  Clearly, I had grabbed not a razor for shaving legs, but a razor that a doctor would use to remove skin in large sheets for the purposes of skin-grafting.  I couldn’t use my mother’s pristine white bath sheets to dry myself until I had stopped the bleeding.  So, I got out of the tub and deployed the tried and true “little tiny bits of tissue” method to stop the blood loss.  Once I had covered all of my wounds I looked like I had developed some form of skin condition which causes one to be covered with hundreds of tiny little white polka dots. 

Once the bleeding had stopped, I attempted to remove the little pieces of tissue but they were now firmly adhered to my legs.  So, naturally, I used a wet wash cloth to wipe them off, which re-commenced the bleeding.  I thought of just giving up, wrapping both of my legs in toilet paper and putting on rolled-up jeans, but of course I forgot those when I was packing for my trip.  So, I had no other option than to just sit there in the bathroom and hope that I still had enough energy to dress myself once the bleeding stopped on its own. 

All of that time in the bathroom I thought about the geniuses at Gillette.  I mean, each and every time I go to purchase my replacement Venus cartridges I curse the Gillette Corporation because the only reason a three pack of razor cartridges should cost $14.00 is if they are constructed using precious metals and they come with a personal assistant to do your shaving for you.  But, after using one of their sub-par razors, it occurred to me that they can charge just about anything they want for Venus razors because no one in their right mind would use the torture device I had just used unless they had no other choice.  As a matter of fact, it would not surprise me in the least if they intentionally manufacture all of their other razor brands to cut you so that you will be compelled to immediately run to the nearest store after using one and begin hoarding Venus cartridges like those “Preppers” hoard freeze-dried food and ammunition.  Smart store owners would be well advised to track when they sell the inferior models, so that they can temporarily raise the price of a three-pack to $500.00 in preparation for the inevitable rush of desperate customers with tiny bits of paper attached to their bleeding legs.   

Thankfully, I am home now and I have finally stopped bleeding.  And, the last time I was at Costco I purchased Venus cartridges in bulk so that I would never be caught unprepared.  Unless of course I forget to pack them again, which is always a distinct possibility.